This page has been a total snoozefest for like ever so I’m taking the liberty of fixing this crap pile up. Fill in the masses out there what this all is and whatnot. So I took the ol’ Polaroid (That’s the spelling, it’s a cheaper North Korean version – a little more radiation but saved like $10! Score!) and got some candid shots of the gang. You know all like ‘aw natural’ and arty and crap like the internets eats up. I’m gonna start with what everyone came here for in the first place: me.


The handle is MacGuffin. I know, I know – you see Skroode’s name up there and it’s all confusing like, “But MacGuff, I thought this was about Skroode?”. But seriously ignore that. I sent an email to AOL to fix that so it should be changed any day now. We all live on the outskirts of good ol’ Noplace, U.S. of A. So, about me. Likes: TV, 80s heavy metal, and television. I ain’t the kind to let moss grow if you know what I’m sayin so the faster the entertainment comes the better. Dislikes: Anything that means I have to read something, cats, and creepy invisible naked people (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE). Beverage of choice: Bourbon, preferably on someone else’s tab. Really anything on anyone else’s tab.


This is my best friend Skroode. We’re like brothers. He’s not as in tune with his feelings like I am so he’s shy about it and makes jokes about it but you can tell he’s just overwhelmed sometimes by how close our friendship is. Frankly I don’t know how he’d get along without me. So when he says stuff like, “Get the hell out of here.” or “Seriously I will kill you and dump the corpse in the first dumpster I find with no worries because there is no living person/animal/thing in this world that would miss you for even a second.” that just him horsing around – he’s a big blue softie deep down. We met in Finster’s Bar when he stopped in back years ago and we’ve been like inseparable ever since. You know…in a manly dude way like Tango & Cash. Or Butch & Sundance. Or Robin Williams & Nathan Lane. Likes: Cinderball, his weird freakish pet, and the theremin. Dislikes: Everyone, everything, and stigmata. Beverage of choice: Semi-cheap draft beer in a bucket, or glass if there ain’t a bucket. Or straight from the tap if Finster ain’t looking.


This is my man Winston. He’s a quiet guy, which is great ’cause I like it when someone knows when to keep their trap shut. When he does talk…look I’m not gonna lie, I ain’t eve sure what he’s sayin half the time, but whatever man. Nothin’ seems to bother Winston ever, so he’s like the most calmest person I’ve met ever. He gets stuck to the bar or the wall by Skroode with one of those big screws he always seems to have, but it don’t seem to bother him none. Likes: Everyone and everything. Dislikes: Maybe mosquitoes? I mean who likes those? Beverage of choice: Some fruity coconut thing with an umbrella and celery.


Good ol’ Chester. He’s a little camera shy so I snuck in to get this one, right when he hit the refrain on Lola. Little pitchy this guy. Anyway, we found Chester working at a local freak show. Chester the Fiji Merman. Dude is half fish. No joke. I asked him what was up with that but didn’t get an answer yet. You’d think he’d be like an olymic swimmer or Navy SEAL but he can’t swim for crap. Between that and the hair the dude got the short end of the universe hahahahaha. But we let him hang around ’cause he’s pretty much the bottom social rung of the gang and someone’s gotta be you know? Also a great convo started with the ladiez in the bar. “Hey meet my friend he’s half fish.”. Kills it every time. Mostly. Sometimes. Once. I haven’t tried it yet, but how can it miss? Likes: Pumpkin pie, long walks on the beach, and romcoms. Dislikes: Cinderball, spiders, and Easter (for some reason we don’t get). Beverage of choice: Wine, often fortified.


Ugh. This guy. I included him just so you know what you’re dealing with here if you run into him. I had to take this one from under the table at Finster’s ’cause this is as close as I want to be to this weirdo. This is Reuben, one of Chester’s former co-workers from the freak show. Dude is invisible. Like you can’t see him at all or anything. Seems cool right? Except A) he’s like totally not wearing any clothes at all and B) is one of the creepiest people I met ever. He got fired from the show for something that happened with this ventriloquist dummy. Whatever dude I don’t even want to know. He’s writing books now and you know how I feel about reading so that’s like strike three. Likes: Dude you don’t even want to know. Trust me. Dislikes: Pants (obviously), cubism, and the moral high ground. Beverage of choice: Brandy.


Finster is the owner and bartender at our favorite watering hole. He’s got a level head I guess, because given all the stuff that goes on he never seems to get upset or even notice most of the time. Maybe they teach you that in bartending school or something. Nice guy with a firm steady hand.

This awful thing is Skroode’s pet New England triffid. He loves this thing more than anything else, which is weird ’cause he’s in the emergency room to get stingers removed like every weekend. This plant is more hostile than any animal I ever seen. I do got to give credit tho that we haven’t had that chipmunk problem since he got it – it eats those guys like popcorn. The only living thing it like far as I can see is Chester – go figure that out. Something must have happened ’cause it follows him around all the time. Weird attracts weird I guess.